Sufferings Arise from Our Point of View

Most people know someone they would like to avoid seeing face to face or with whom
they cannot get along. Even thinking of that person is depressing, so when they actually
do have to meet, they always irritate each other. As long as we have likes and dislikes
for other people, there is no end to our suffering, and our minds are never clear.

Shakyamuni described this situation as “the suffering inherent in coming into contact with
what we hate.” In other words, everyone knows someone for whom they bear a grudge or cannot stand being around, and encountering that person is unpleasant and leads to suffering.

If this is the case, it would be best to overcome our dislike of disagreeable people, but
because the ego is strong, we cannot easily free ourselves from such emotions as likes
and dislikes. Well, then, in human relations, is there no way to be free of likes and dislikes?
Of course there is. Buddhism teaches that no one escapes the four sufferings of birth,
old age, illness, and death. In other words, they are our destiny.

On the one hand, the sufferings we experience in dealing with disagreeable people or
unpleasant situations are part of life. But we can overcome those sufferings by changing
our point of view and way of thinking. Achieving this depends on practice of the Buddha’s
teachings.

Our like or dislike of someone is based on our personality, and as such is a rather delicate
and complicated matter. Even so, since such emotions are expressions of the ego, friction
and discord are likely, and we might suppose it impossible rid ourselves of suffering and
anxiety. If we had no likes or dislikes, life would be simple.

Not Making Assumptions about Others

As I have mentioned in one of my previous essays, since we have the same characteristics that we dislike in others, we may be sensitive to those characteristics. Once we are
convinced that we dislike someone or something, we become attached to that feeling,
and it diminishes our capacity to accept other people. Yet, the human heart is not that
small, narrow, or hard. Not only human relations, but everything else in this world,
without exception, is impermanent and subject to change.

Furthermore, life, through every encounter-- every karmic connection--is continually
undergoing creative change. Therefore, by changing our point of view and meeting other
people, we may open our hearts even to difficult people. Besides, since every karmic
encounter happens for the sake of us, changing our perspective allows us to benefit from
everything around us.

After considering all this, if we still find it difficult to get along with someone we dislike or
find disagreeable, we should ask ourselves, “What would Shakyamuni do?”
One thing would be to savor the meaning of Shakyamuni’s saying, “Among people filled
with hatred, we live without hatred for others, and we live joyfully.”
　
The Dhammapada says, “How difficult it is to be born human.” When we closely examine
this teaching about the essence of life, or when we read the verses “The sky is empty
enough to let birds fly at will; the sea is broad enough to let fish leap,” which praise the
vastness of the skies and oceans, they suggest how to take a broad view of human life.

Buddhism teaches us not to try to change others but to accept them by changing
ourselves, and to put that into practice. In this sense, someone we dislike becomes the
very benefactor who teaches us the strength of our own ego, and serves as the
whetstone upon which we polish our minds. When this realization sinks in, our likes and
dislikes vanish, and we can live joyful lives.